Let’s close out Big Brother Month with a full recap of last season, which aired in the summer of 2014. This was a response to the fans about how much they complained about the racist cast members on Big Brother 15. The response: “You think the racism ruined Big Brother? That’s nothing! Just watch next season and see how worse we can fuck up your favorite show! And then we’ll make you love every minute of it!”
So let’s find out how much “Expect the Unexpected” a reality show can get away with. This is Big Brother 16!
With this season consisting of 16 houseguests, they decided to split the premiere up into two nights and introduce the first half of the cast in episode one. First up is Paola, a DJ from Astoria, New York.
And then, there’s Donny.
Next up in Howell, New Jersey, we meet Cody, a soccer player who looks just like Danny Zuko from Grease. That is, before he tells Sandy to try the Yellow Pages.
Next, we get to meet the timeless entertainment giant, Frankie Grande, brother of Nickelodeon pop star Ariana Grande.
Imagine a little girl going to purchase a Ken doll, and the best one she can find is a plastic action figure that inaccurately mimics Perez Hilton.
He spends his time as a choreographer, a Broadway star, a YouTube sensation, and a Twitter user with 1.2 million followers. And yet, he doesn’t feel like all of this is making him more famous. So he joins the cast of big brother, because he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life filming himself stalking Justin Bieber. Oh, and did I mention that he’s gay? Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean the gay community has contributed some great reality stars. You have a brave advocate like Pedro Zamora or a positive example like Caleb Bankston. But every now and then, you get the sewer rats of the gay community. That’s where I’d throw Frankie.
Gay guy that makes any other gay guy feel ashamed? Check!
Next, we have Jocasta, who’s a bow-tie-wearing minister.
To her credit, she seems like one of those more positive Christians, not the hypocritical Bible-thumper kind. It’s good to know there are still some kind people out there in this country of ours…
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUCK!
Okay, that was a little too much. After all, it’s only a three-month long show. Three months is a lot of time to go without introducing your… star of the show.
“Come on, daddy! Count it!”
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Pardon my french.
Zach is a super-young, unemployed, college frat-boy, a bro-country looking, narcissistic, chin-pubed, Vanilla Ice poser, and an absolutely dated product of the times.
Zach (girls screaming)
Looks like it’s time to roast the casting director of Big Brother 15.
Time out!
You stole the moniker of a fictional band from Saved by the Bell.
Time in!
Not to be outdone by Zach Attack (girls screaming), Devin
To be fair, they did make the right decision in voting Donny onto Team America. He’s one of the only nice guys on the season. He’s kind, gentle, sweet, and he’s a guy who would never harm a fly.
But guess who else gets voted onto Team America? That’s right, it’s Frankie Fucking Grande and Derrick from the Bomb Squad!
“And I got your back!”
You know, Whenever I have too much hope for America, here comes a moment like this to remind me that all is lost.
So, the good news is Devin’s gone. The bad news is this season continues. The remaining members of the Bomb Squad (sans Amber) form a new alliance called the Detonators. Zach DRs that Brittany’s the next target and “there’s nothing that she or her boobs can do about it.”
“She’s going home! No doubt about it!”
When the alliance grows to three or more, it becomes FUCKING SEXIST! Every other all-guy alliance after that was like a thirty-something He-Man Woman-Haters Club. And these guys are like the cast of Entourage after Hello Kitty bit off their testicles!
The longer it sticks to a faulty formula, the faster it loses all relevancy.
So because no one was given enough time to care about Brittany’s pain, she also gets evicted in an unanimous vote. Then Frankie and Zach win HoH, and they concoct a plan to backdoor Amber, because Christine (who decided that 6th place is better than 1st) informed them that she wants to come after them.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just here to fulfill an obnoxious Florida Gators fan’s lame punchline.”
Zankie (someone had to come up with that name) decide that they’re better off backdooring her, so their initial nominations are almost the same as last week. Frankie nominates Jocasta and Victoria, while Zach Attack nominates Christine and Nicole. And how do their speeches go?
“By nominating two people I’ve already put up, I’m not getting any additional blood on my hands.”
For pete’s sake, the laugh track on his sister’s show was more real than his excuse. Shit, the laugh track on his sister’s show is more real than everything on his own show altogether.
“Christine, if we pulled out the big brother dictionary and we looked up the word floater, there would be a picture of you and Jenn City holding hands, never being called to the diary room. Basically irrelevant!”
Good fuck, this guy’s whiter than the full running time on Malibu’s Most Wanted.
“Nicole, you’re looking super cute in your little Germ-itard, like a true superfan.”
“Well, you Froot Loop Dingus, I bet ya didn’t see this one coming.”
Really, Zach? Are you going to use “Froot Loop Dingus” often? Okay then. I’m going to make up my own cereal nickname to use. Um, YOU’RE A FROSTED FUCKFACE! This is actually your best foot forward? Did you think that Nicole would think this is a compliment? Well, you were wrong. You made her cry! Nicole’s crying, and you’re just sitting back and enjoying all of this. What do you have to say for yourself?
“HAHAHAHAHA!” (winks)
I’m sorry, Brigade. I thought your alliance was predictable, cliched, and misogynistic. You guys go be subtle. I’m going to suffer through the rest of this recap.
Appropriately enough, Christine and Nicole won the battle of the block, and Zach is dethroned as HoH.
At least he was having a good hair day before today.
That’s right, Zach. You’re not a super-villain. A super-villain is a person that uses what he knows to his advantage and does dastardly moves to get to his ultimate goal. All you do is just open your mouth. That makes you A FLAMING DOUCHE!
“Give him the fucking money! I’m wasting my fucking time right now!”
Oh no, Gilbert Gottfried, why? I figured the death of his Aladdin costar Robin Williams would bring him down, but I never imagined he would resort to a cameo on Big Brother 16.
“Caleb, you and Amber have something in common. You think she’s drop dead gorgeous and she wants you to drop dead.”
“Christine, there’s a belief that glasses make people look smarter, thanks for disproving that.”
“Victoria, I would zing you, but I’m only supposed to zing people who are actually playing the game.”
“What do you call someone who’s not afraid to cry, wears pink, and cuddles with men?”
“You call them Zach.”
“Zing, Motherfucker!”
Okay, I will give Kathy Griffin one point for making me laugh at a Zach joke. That’s not an easy thing to do.
Laugh at this moment all you want. But if you look closely at Zack’s face, you can immediately tell that he’s already regretting what his life’s come to.
And he’ll regret it even more, as his baby mama, Frankie, uses the POV to put him up on the block, and the rest of the house evicts him.
Finally, the first smart decision they made this entire season. I’m surprised it didn’t happen two months ago.
But, uh oh! He and the jurors were brought back into the house took a piano competition where one of them would get to rejoin the game. And just like a zombie, Zach comes back from the dead and starts eating everyone’s brains. Okay, it was Nicole that reentered the game, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they went that route.
The only thing that could make this more misogynist is if there’s a live feed clip with the guys making a rape joke about the only female houseguest left in the JUST PLAY IT ALREADY.
And there’s the fat lady singing. Yeah, I hate this season, and I hate these guys especially. I don’t give a shit if one of them goes on to find life on another planet. You still won’t make me like these guys. That was so mean-spirited, it made me hate BB15 even less. That’s right, a full season of racially insensitive comments infuriated me a lot less than Frankie Grande winking after a rape joke against Victoria and Derrick acting out Zingbot getting in on the raping action. That’s a new low to sink to. In fact, this summarizes BB16 as a whole. Lazy strategy and gameplay?
“ZING!”
Unfunny comedy at the expense of women?
“ZING!”
Desperately trying to please the lowest common denominator more times than Fox News, TLC, and Bravo all combined?
“ZING!”
Oh, and here’s another one. Let’s change the catchphrase of this show from “Expect the unexpected” to “The best-looking guys are gonna make it to the end.”
“ZING!”
They only dialed it back one week and restart it all over again, giving the houseguests the opportunity to evict that pink nightmare from A Christmas Story!
Let’s pretend that Adam Lambert did get the most votes on the American Idol 8 finale. Let’s pretend that the Veterans did win the final challenge on Gauntlet 3. Let’s pretend that The Amazing Race 2 didn’t come down to a foot race at the end. Let’s pretend that unpredictable outcomes don’t exist and say good things about the predictable outcomes anyway.
While the cast members aren’t as loathsome as the Big Brother 15 cast, and we even had a few people we wanted to root for in the game, Big Brother 16 still sucks more because it didn’t make any positive changes, rather remain on autopilot. Instead of coming up with new, innovative ideas, it recycles worn-out concepts. Instead of letting us pick our favorite cast members, it picked them out for us. And instead of gimmicks that are subtle and hard to spot, they’re out in the open and shoved in our faces.
This is Turk182 for Reality TV Guide, and Big Brother 17 can’t come soon enough.
Reality TV Guide 
9 thoughts on “Big Brother 16 Recap”