If Reality Shows Had Tinder Accounts…

My name is Turk182, and this is Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves. Love is in the air, and there are many ways to find it. In today’s age of internet and social media usage, online dating has evolved with the times. There have been many social media apps centered around matching people up with their potential soulmates. Not everything may work out to your expectation, and the idea of online dating is still very sketchy. But it’s very fascinating to see how much these kinds of apps catch on in popularity to many people. Today, I’m going to do a sketch where I create a lot of bios for one of the most popular dating apps, Tinder, and have it come from the perspective of some of the most popular reality shows around. Some users on dating sites and apps don’t have honest bios, but these reality shows’ Tinder bios are 100% honest. Maybe a little more excessively honest. Keep reading below to see what they all have to offer.

The Challenge’s Complicated Relationship w/ the Fans: A Timeline

The Challenge’s Complicated Relationship w/ the Fans: A Timeline

January 2004

Fans: Hey, MTV. We loved The Gauntlet. Even though we’re sad to see it end, we look forward to the next season. Just take your time in creating it.

MTV: Fine. Here’s the follow-up season dropping just a mere two weeks after the final episode of The Gauntlet.

Fall 2004

Fans: Hey, MTV. If we have anything to nitpick on The Inferno, it’s that the competition between the two teams was too lopsided. Could you make sure you make it more fair for the next one?

MTV: Fine. Here’s a sequel to Battle of the Sexes, where it’ll feel like the Real World vs. Road Rules of old. 

2006

Fans: Hey, MTV. Our lifelong dreams include going on Real World or Road Rules, just so we can have an opportunity to go on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a season where fans like you get to bypass the casting process for Real World and Road Rules and just go straight onto this show.

January 2008

Fans: Hey, MTV. Don’t listen to the reception for The Inferno III. Us fans that watched it loved it just the way it was. Nothing else needs to be altered with this show.

MTV: Fine. Here’s The Gauntlet 3, where we desperately pander to boost our ratings and pamper the worst of humanity over our tried and true competitors.

Summer 2008

Fans: Hey, MTV. We hope these a-holes we were stuck with on The Gauntlet 3 don’t become a thing moving forward. P.S. Have you watched the most recent season of Survivor? That was some of the best works of reality TV to ever air. You should check it out. It may inspire you.

MTV: Fine. Here’s an announcement for a season that takes place completely on an island and goes totally in the opposite direction of the show’s formula and game structure. P.S. Have you watched this new show called I Love Money? We’re totally infatuated by how chauvinists can make domination throughout a game work more efficiently. You should check it out. It may have inspired us. 

2009

Fans: Hey, MTV. This JEK Dynasty you’re trying to shove down our throats is getting out of hand. Could you slack off on that a little?

MTV: Fine. Here’s a season where the JEK Dynasty takes control over a team of champions and steamrolls over a team of non-champions from beginning to end. Plus, we’ll also throw in some raping-by-toothbrush and duct tape black eyes for good measure. If you’re not into that,… here’s a promo for a show that takes place in New Jersey, and all the cast members are carbon copies of that Kenny guy. I’m sure that will keep you occupied long-term.

Spring 2010

Fans: Hey, MTV. This Fresh Meat experiment you did a while back might have been a bad idea long-term. What it left us with now is staining the good name of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a title alteration and a sequel to Fresh Meat. 

Fall 2010

Fans: Hey, MTV. Road Rules is long gone now, and The Real World is starting to turn into a shell of itself. You can do a lot better than relying on Fresh Meat competitors to keep the talent pool fresh.

MTV: Fine. Here’s an import from that Spring Break mini-series we did not too long ago. So what if we just bring only one person and forget that its other newbies get completely forgotten? We have a good feeling that this one is going to be sticking around forever.

Winter 2012

Fans: Hey, MTV. That Rivals season you did last year was very good. We’re looking forward to seeing what you have in store for us next. Just keep it fresh.

MTV: Fine. Here’s the exact same thing, except with exes this time. Look, you even get Johnny winning the final AGAIN!

Fall 2012

Fans: Hey, MTV. We’re tired of these usual vets you got continuously appearing on these shows. Give us some new fresh blood. Not more Fresh Meat, but some Real World newbies that we might like.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a roster of mostly fresh rookies that you’ll definitely hate on a sequel to a season that’s so old, we can get away with not making it look like a sequel. Heck, we don’t even have the dignity to tack on the number 2 to the title.

January 2015

Fans: Hey, MTV. That Are You the One? show you’ve been promoting last year? It sucks. Can you make it go away forever?

MTV: Fine. Here’s an expansion to our Challenge casting pool to include cast members from Are You the One? in there!

December 2015

Fans: Hey, MTV. You’re actually including Are You the One? cast members on The Challenge now? Not cool! I’d hate to imagine how much lower you’ll stoop next.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a season where our competitors bring a relative to compete alongside with them.

Spring 2016

Fans: Hey, MTV. These pair-oriented seasons that try to recreate the formula of Rivals 1 are getting played out right now. 

MTV: Fine. Here’s Rivals 3!

Summer 2016

Fans: Hey, MTV. Johnny Bananas is the worst human being to ever exist! I can’t believe you made him the face of your once-beloved show.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a plot twist that allows him to claim his Rivals 3 partner’s entire cut of the first-place cash prize for himself. Nothing like ego-boosting our golden boy more than we already should. 

2017

Fans: Hey, MTV. Camila’s being racist on your show. You need to get her off your show now, before things get worse! 

MTV: Fine. Here’s a $450,000 first-place cash prize just for her, which she won’t even be present to collect, because she assaulted one of our crew members on one of our spin-off shows.

2018

Fans: Hey, MTV. Dirty 30 got a little lame with its excessive use of cliffhangers and encouragement of playing dirty.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a spiritual trilogy to expand onto that.

2019

Fans: Hey, MTV. For all the times we’ve complained about expanding your casting pool, we have to admit you did some good with that last year. Those Big Brother people you brought on really brought a lot of the drama we come to expect from you guys, and we were fascinated with the inclusion of people from UK shows and people from your American versions of those UK shows. We’re interested in seeing where you go with this next, as long as you guys make your casting decisions wisely.

MTV: Fine. Here’s even more newbies from shows outside the MTV network and the United States. These new kids on the block include woman-haters, closeted Trumpies with racist backgrounds, weak personalities with short shelf-lives, and just for you Big Brother fans, JOSH MARTINEZ!

Winter 2020

Fans: Hey, MTV. War of the Worlds 2 was not your best. The domination of Cara Maria and Paulie’s cult and the allowing of so many people to skate to a final really got on our nerves. Even your cast members are speaking out against it. This may be the biggest sign that you need to change things.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a new season without Cara Maria and Paulie. In their place, a batch of competitors with little to no personality, an underground shelter theme, and a new rule of “go into elimination or don’t run the final” with the corniest concept you can imagine. 

Summer 2020

Fans: Hey, MTV. We just discovered that Dee Nguyen has a past of being racist on Twitter. With the Black Lives Matter protests going on right now in the middle of a pandemic, we hope you guys use this opportunity to be a little more proactive.

MTV: Fine. Here’s a knee-jerk edit that cuts out Dee completely from the remaining episodes of this season at the expense of the drama you guys know to love.

December 2020

Fans: Hey, MTV. We hate the Red Skulls twist. It’s the stupidest thing you ever created, and that’s saying a lot.

MTV: Fine. Here’s that twist again, but this time, the skulls are golden.

Spring 2021

Fans: Hey, MTV. What the fuck are you doing? You’re ruining the show with that ridiculous spy theme, those gold skulls, those forgettable rookies from shows we don’t have access to in this country, blatant rigging in favor of particular competitors, unlikable veterans, and a lack of authentic drama. Something’s gotta change, or else we won’t tune in anymore. In fact, your show deserves to be cancelled.

MTV: Fine. Here’s the exact same thing again for next season, but no gold skulls this time. Just more ineptitude from our crew operations. If you don’t like it, we don’t give a flying fuck about what you think. There are plenty of Ridiculousness reruns we can air for the remaining time slots on our schedule. What is Music Television? Heck, we don’t even know what television is anymore.

SPOT THE RACIST – Big Brother 23 Edition

Turk182: My name is Turk182, and this is Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves, and welcome to the hit game show,… 

Audience: SPOT! THE! RACIST!

Turk182: This is where contestants try to guess who’s most likely to be a racist from the cast of the hottest reality shows. Today, our contestants will be trying to spot the racist in the upcoming season for Big Brother, a show that’s given our previous winners the best grand prize totals we’ve ever given away.

Turk182: So let’s meet our two competitors! First is Joe Average, a reality TV blogger that recently graduated with a degree in liberal arts. His interests include nature, coffee, and a good novel. Competing against him is Pops Ross E., a reality TV news reporter. His interests include martinis, architecture, and anything with a gray color. Welcome, Joe and Pops!

Joe Average: Thank you.

Pops Ross E.: Pleasure to be here.

Turk182: So the rules of the game are simple. Each round, one person has to eliminate a Big Brother 23 cast member you think is least likely to be racist. Then, the next person does the same, and it keeps going until there are 2 cast members left. Finally, each of you will choose which one you think is most likely to be racist. If one of you is correct, you win our grand prize, which is a jar that contains the melted OTEV animatronic from BB16! Are you guys ready?

Joe Average: Oh yeah!

Pops Ross E.: Fuck yeah!

Turk182: That’s the spirit! As always, we automatically eliminate the minorities, such as the African-Americans and Asian-Americans, because this does not concern them at all.

Turk182: So that leaves us with 8 remaining players: Brent, Britini, Christian, Claire, Frenchie, Sarah, Travis, and Whitney.

Turk182: Joe Average, since you won the coin toss backstage, you get to go first. Who do you want to eliminate first? Remember, you’re eliminating someone that’s least likely to be racist.

Joe Average: Okay, so my choice for this first round is Claire. She just got brought onto the cast after some bald woman tested positive for COVID-19. Also, she’s down to target the alpha bros early on, so you can’t go wrong with that.

 

Turk182: Good going, Joe! Okay, Pops. You’re now on the clock!

Pops Ross E.: Okay, so my first elimination pick is going to be Sarah, because frankly, I don’t get a lot out of her.

Turk182: Pops takes out the zero personality girl! Joe, it’s your turn again!

Joe Average: The next person I’m going to eliminate is Christian. I do see him joining the majority alliance, or working with the alpha bros. However, in terms of seeing him being racist, that remains to be seen. The hair might make the part, but in this case, I’m on the fence.

Turk182: And there goes Brillo Pad! Back to you, Pops!

Pops Ross E.: Okay, these picks are getting harder now.

Turk182: You bet your ass they are.

Pops Ross E.: Nevertheless, I’m eliminating Whitney in this round. She definitely passes the privileged white girl stereotype, and the blonde hair adds extra points. However, as we’ve seen on Big Brother many times, women like her are more likely to date the racist than actually be one.

Turk182: Okay! Wave bye-bye to the inevitable showmance partner, everyone! Joe, who’s your next pick?

Joe Average: As much as I want to leave this guy around for the final round, I have to eliminate Brent. That guy is a muscular specimen that screams “alpha bro”. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have enough brains to even be aware of anything. He’s the kind of guy you leave around until the end on that other game show, Spot the Douchebag. So, Brent, you gotta go.

Turk182: That changes the game completely! It’s all on you now, Pops! Who are you knocking out?

Pops Ross E.: Okay, my pick to eliminate from the game is Britini. I’ve taken a look at her TikTok profile, and her videos have been extra cringe. However, it all looks like she’s doing it in innocent fun, so I’m hesitant to call her out in the final round.

Turk182: There we have it, and now, it’s down to our final 2: Frenchie and Travis. Joe, you now have to make your final pick, which is going to be for who you think is most likely to be a racist.

Joe Average: Okay, this is a very tough one. I’m really tempted to pick the alpha bro, Travis. But then, I look at Frenchie, and I definitely see the “southern hick” stereotype in him, which has been Trump’s target audience. So my final pick is going to be Frenchie.

Turk182: Very well, Joe. So Pops, that leaves you with Travis. Are you comfortable with that pick?

Pops Ross E.: I do feel confident. You never want to let your guard down on someone whose face is probably plastered on Grodner’s bedroom wall like he’s a teen heartthrob.

Turk182: Okay, so let’s see which one of you is right, or if you’re both wrong, and you walk away with nothing. So let’s look at Frenchie. He’s definitely a Southern guy. It says that he’s a farmer. You can see the cap, the plaid shirt, even a few tattoos on his arm. But let’s look further into the Twitter dirt.

Joe Average: Oh, look! He criticized a black woman in his tweets! You see? You see? I spotted the racist!

Turk182: Not so fast, Joe. The black woman is actually far-right activist Candice Owens. Plus, some of his other tweets have criticized the modern Big Brother playbook, which had already gotten praise from past players like Evel Dick and Rockstar. So we can’t deem him a racist. Sorry Joe.

Joe Average: Fuck me with a rusty spoon!

Turk182: So now let’s look at Travis. He said on his bio that his favorite duo is Brett and Travis from BB20. That’s good, but we need something better.

Pops Ross E.: Oh, and here you go! He’s actually in a YouTube video about being a fraternity bro! Suck on that, Joe!

Turk182: STOP THE PRESSES, FOLKS!! We just got word that Frenchie might be a fraud!

Pops Ross E.: OH MY FUCK????

Turk182: He not only admitted that he praised players like Cody and Derrick, but someone on Twitter called him out for being a Trumpie in disguise, and he sexually harrassed multiple women while still married!

Joe Average: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!

Turk182: It turns out he only got into the BB Twitter community just to get on the show!

Pops Ross E.: UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABE!

Turk182: Ladies and gentlemen, we have our racist, Frenchie! Joe Average wins the game!

Joe Average: YES! SUCK MY ASS, POPS!

Turk182: Well, that’s our show, everyone. Thanks for watching Spot the Racist! Tune in next week, where the season’s racist count will probably multiply by then.