Top 10 Reasons Why Survivor: Fiji SUCKS – Editorial

We’ve been posting on this WordPress domain since 2014, but for those that don’t know, we started Reality TV Guide with a Blogger account back in January 2007. If you are aware of our existence back in the day and visited our blog in that early 2007 period, you probably remember my hatred for Survivor: Fiji. It was the first Survivor season we ever covered. In retrospect, I should’ve waited. I was already let down by the previous season, Survivor: Cook Islands, they were well into what I considered the dark ages of the show, and when they announced that the main twist was the haves vs. the have-nots, I did not expect this to be a good season. Yet, I still gave it a chance, because I was ready to start talking about Survivor so early after the blog started. And even then, I wasn’t expecting this. Let me say it louder for those in the back. Fiji was a terrible season. It’s one of the worst reality TV seasons we’ve ever recapped on our blog. Easily the worst Survivor season I’ve ever seen. Recapping every episode and always having something to say afterwards was a testament to how much I hated this season.

So here I am 14 years later, and I should feel content leaving it as it is. I don’t want to rewatch a season that’s going to make me revisit my most miserable moment as a reality TV writer. And since I’ll get anyone fired for ever speaking positively about Survivor: Fiji, that’s why you’ll never see a season recap of it. But I feel like the more I sit there silently, the more this season will get a pass from the fanbase. And if I can be the voice of reason to remind them of its faults in some form, well, give me a motherfucking torch, because it’s about to be used for roasting than extinguishing. This is the top 10 reasons why Survivor: Fiji SUCKS!

SPOT THE RACIST – Big Brother 23 Edition

Turk182: My name is Turk182, and this is Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves, and welcome to the hit game show,… 

Audience: SPOT! THE! RACIST!

Turk182: This is where contestants try to guess who’s most likely to be a racist from the cast of the hottest reality shows. Today, our contestants will be trying to spot the racist in the upcoming season for Big Brother, a show that’s given our previous winners the best grand prize totals we’ve ever given away.

Turk182: So let’s meet our two competitors! First is Joe Average, a reality TV blogger that recently graduated with a degree in liberal arts. His interests include nature, coffee, and a good novel. Competing against him is Pops Ross E., a reality TV news reporter. His interests include martinis, architecture, and anything with a gray color. Welcome, Joe and Pops!

Joe Average: Thank you.

Pops Ross E.: Pleasure to be here.

Turk182: So the rules of the game are simple. Each round, one person has to eliminate a Big Brother 23 cast member you think is least likely to be racist. Then, the next person does the same, and it keeps going until there are 2 cast members left. Finally, each of you will choose which one you think is most likely to be racist. If one of you is correct, you win our grand prize, which is a jar that contains the melted OTEV animatronic from BB16! Are you guys ready?

Joe Average: Oh yeah!

Pops Ross E.: Fuck yeah!

Turk182: That’s the spirit! As always, we automatically eliminate the minorities, such as the African-Americans and Asian-Americans, because this does not concern them at all.

Turk182: So that leaves us with 8 remaining players: Brent, Britini, Christian, Claire, Frenchie, Sarah, Travis, and Whitney.

Turk182: Joe Average, since you won the coin toss backstage, you get to go first. Who do you want to eliminate first? Remember, you’re eliminating someone that’s least likely to be racist.

Joe Average: Okay, so my choice for this first round is Claire. She just got brought onto the cast after some bald woman tested positive for COVID-19. Also, she’s down to target the alpha bros early on, so you can’t go wrong with that.

 

Turk182: Good going, Joe! Okay, Pops. You’re now on the clock!

Pops Ross E.: Okay, so my first elimination pick is going to be Sarah, because frankly, I don’t get a lot out of her.

Turk182: Pops takes out the zero personality girl! Joe, it’s your turn again!

Joe Average: The next person I’m going to eliminate is Christian. I do see him joining the majority alliance, or working with the alpha bros. However, in terms of seeing him being racist, that remains to be seen. The hair might make the part, but in this case, I’m on the fence.

Turk182: And there goes Brillo Pad! Back to you, Pops!

Pops Ross E.: Okay, these picks are getting harder now.

Turk182: You bet your ass they are.

Pops Ross E.: Nevertheless, I’m eliminating Whitney in this round. She definitely passes the privileged white girl stereotype, and the blonde hair adds extra points. However, as we’ve seen on Big Brother many times, women like her are more likely to date the racist than actually be one.

Turk182: Okay! Wave bye-bye to the inevitable showmance partner, everyone! Joe, who’s your next pick?

Joe Average: As much as I want to leave this guy around for the final round, I have to eliminate Brent. That guy is a muscular specimen that screams “alpha bro”. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have enough brains to even be aware of anything. He’s the kind of guy you leave around until the end on that other game show, Spot the Douchebag. So, Brent, you gotta go.

Turk182: That changes the game completely! It’s all on you now, Pops! Who are you knocking out?

Pops Ross E.: Okay, my pick to eliminate from the game is Britini. I’ve taken a look at her TikTok profile, and her videos have been extra cringe. However, it all looks like she’s doing it in innocent fun, so I’m hesitant to call her out in the final round.

Turk182: There we have it, and now, it’s down to our final 2: Frenchie and Travis. Joe, you now have to make your final pick, which is going to be for who you think is most likely to be a racist.

Joe Average: Okay, this is a very tough one. I’m really tempted to pick the alpha bro, Travis. But then, I look at Frenchie, and I definitely see the “southern hick” stereotype in him, which has been Trump’s target audience. So my final pick is going to be Frenchie.

Turk182: Very well, Joe. So Pops, that leaves you with Travis. Are you comfortable with that pick?

Pops Ross E.: I do feel confident. You never want to let your guard down on someone whose face is probably plastered on Grodner’s bedroom wall like he’s a teen heartthrob.

Turk182: Okay, so let’s see which one of you is right, or if you’re both wrong, and you walk away with nothing. So let’s look at Frenchie. He’s definitely a Southern guy. It says that he’s a farmer. You can see the cap, the plaid shirt, even a few tattoos on his arm. But let’s look further into the Twitter dirt.

Joe Average: Oh, look! He criticized a black woman in his tweets! You see? You see? I spotted the racist!

Turk182: Not so fast, Joe. The black woman is actually far-right activist Candice Owens. Plus, some of his other tweets have criticized the modern Big Brother playbook, which had already gotten praise from past players like Evel Dick and Rockstar. So we can’t deem him a racist. Sorry Joe.

Joe Average: Fuck me with a rusty spoon!

Turk182: So now let’s look at Travis. He said on his bio that his favorite duo is Brett and Travis from BB20. That’s good, but we need something better.

Pops Ross E.: Oh, and here you go! He’s actually in a YouTube video about being a fraternity bro! Suck on that, Joe!

Turk182: STOP THE PRESSES, FOLKS!! We just got word that Frenchie might be a fraud!

Pops Ross E.: OH MY FUCK????

Turk182: He not only admitted that he praised players like Cody and Derrick, but someone on Twitter called him out for being a Trumpie in disguise, and he sexually harrassed multiple women while still married!

Joe Average: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!

Turk182: It turns out he only got into the BB Twitter community just to get on the show!

Pops Ross E.: UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABE!

Turk182: Ladies and gentlemen, we have our racist, Frenchie! Joe Average wins the game!

Joe Average: YES! SUCK MY ASS, POPS!

Turk182: Well, that’s our show, everyone. Thanks for watching Spot the Racist! Tune in next week, where the season’s racist count will probably multiply by then.