Are You the One? Season 1 Recap

My name is Turk182 and this is Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves. It’s been so long since the last time we’ve roamed through your computer screens uninvited. I feel like we need to make it up to everyone with a little love. I’m not talking about the love that comes from the heart. I’m talking about the love that comes from a reality show called Are You The One? 

This show premiered on MTV back in January of this past year. The premise is simple. You take 10 single American guys and 10 single American girls on a trip to a tropical destination, and then you set each one up with a potential soulmate. Along the way, the pairs will compete for a cash prize of $1 million. It sounded like a lovely concept, that I had no choice but to check out the first season for myself before season 2 premieres next Monday. In my honest opinion, I’m always fascinated by romance. It’s the most important thing to have in your life. It’s the most interesting thing on Earth. It’s the most adorable thing around you. What I’m trying to say is that love never means having to say “What the French?”

What the French? What the F-ing French? WHAT THE DAG-GONE MOTHERFUCKING FRENCH? This show is atrocious. It’s terrible. It’s unnatural. I feel an urgency to verbally abuse this piece of shit right now. So without further ado, this is the first season of Are You The One? Begin.

So the first episode starts out with a few flash-forwards into a few select days. Day 26 (no pun intended to some band from another show we reviewed back in the day) features a sobbing chick yelling about someone that she cares about. Day 31 gives us two dudes butting heads over perfect matches. Day 41 shows us a guy and a girl fighting, which leads to the guy throwing something at a window.

You can see that because there’s a crack in the window.

Really, you’d have an easier time making heads or tails of the flash-forwards from Lost. After that, we finally get to the present time in Kauai, Hawaii, as our 20 contestants arrive through some very odd transitions, which cut right to them walking up to the house (yeah, no build up at all) and the introduction of our host Ryan Devlin, who I swear looks like one of those hipster nerds.

He reminds them that they are all here for the same reason: they suck at relationships. Then we cut to their casting videos. Adam confesses that he has experience of only 15 one-night stands. That is the poster boy of “man-slut”. Congrats to you, Adam.

The first challenge takes place the next day, and it involves the contestants taking selfies of themselves and guessing whose is whose. So our singles proceed to… STRIPPING TO THEIR UNDERWEAR?????

FETISH TELEVISION

Did this challenge warrant any underwear pics? At all? It was never specified in the rules. The word “underwear” was never even said in the rules. So was it really necessary? Oh, and if you thought Fifty Shades of Grey‘s quotes made you uncomfortable, wait till you hear what John says in a confessional.

“I’ll send a dick pic to a girl, but only if she doesn’t want it”

Yeah, the last woman really didn’t want it.

This is the most out-of-nowhere mass stripping since that 5 Seconds of Summer music video.

Ryan reminds them that the 10 matches must be unanimously correct. Otherwise, they don’t get any money. Yeah, that twist didn’t die 8 years ago after all. It’s been living at MTV.

The results were that two of the 10 matches were correct. TWO PERFECT MATCHES? Taylor Swift would have better chances of finding her soulmate before these guys. So they don’t win any money here, but they have more chances to get their perfect matches, which means we have 9 more episodes to get through.

So it’s onto episode 2.

So after everything you’ve seen, after all the uncomfortable moments, after all the forced romances, after all the ridiculous drama, after everything we’ve had to sit through today, would you expect every one of these singles to find their perfect… OF COURSE THEY DO! The final 10 matches were unanimously correct, so everyone splits a million dollars. I’m surprised they didn’t give them 2 million, or 10 million, or even MTV’s entire bank account.

THIS SHOW IS A TOTAL WHOREFEST!

I, for one, encourage anyone to go on a reality show to find their perfect match. Okay, not anyone. JUST THESE 20 YOUNG, SEX-STARVED FOOLS! This is Turk182 for Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves.