FUCK YOU, JOHNNY BANANAS! How come you keep showing up here?
We already understand. You want to be the guy that achieves every Challenge record. We know you’re an athlete. Try to actually play like one and no other type. Your strategies are decent, but we do not need to see that on every Challenge you do. And what’s this? A sequel to Battle of the Exes, which you won three years ago?
I’m getting tired of this, you guys. I’m at the point where I’m starting to run out of material! Do you guys really want to see me rant about a bad Challenge with Johnny Bananas, after I covered all the other bad Challenges with Johnny Bananas? What should I do to get Johnny Bananas off my back? Does he want me to pretend to praise him? Or at least rant about another cast member? Who else is on this season? Give me up to four people that I can talk about!
Say hello to our new whipping boys!
So yeah, this is not a joke. Four cast members from the first season of MTV’s Are You the One? are appearing as contestants on The Challenge: Battle of the Exes 2. FOUR CAST MEMBERS THAT DID NOT APPEAR ON THE REAL WORLD OR ROAD RULES OR THE FRESH MEAT SEASONS OR ANY OTHER BUNIM/MURRAY SHOW ARE ON A SHOW, COMPETING AGAINST JOHNNY BANANAS! Unless this is a new crossover that MTV put together, this is not good news. This is like Flavor Flav getting chosen for The Bachelor. Or Bret Michaels competing on The Voice. Or a Big Brother winner competing on Survivor… okay, that was pretty good. But you get my point. This goes against everything the Challenge stood for, and we’re talking about a show that was originally titled “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge”! SHAME ON YOU, BUNIM/MURRAY! SHAME ON YOU!
So let’s take a look at the first episode of… “The Challenge”: Battle of the Exes 2.
So this episode gets off to a good start with Johnny Bananas giving the first confessional. Yes, we saw you win Free Agents. Yes, we know you’ve done so many Challenges. How unoriginal!
Oh, great! Sarah’s back.
Leroy comes on next and introduces himself as an adult film actor. Those were his words, and if you believed that statement, consider your commenting privileges on here revoked.
Next, we see CT, who was last seen with a beard on Free Agents. For this season, he decided to shave the beard when he heard that Diem was also going to be here.
Elephant, what are you doing in the room?
I have to give MTV credit here. The Dome on this season looks a lot better than the Dome on Exes 1, which looked like an abandoned jungle gym in the middle of a beach. They all walk into the Dome, located in Pedasi, Panama, and are greeted by host TJ Lavin. There are 17 Challenge Veterans in the Dome right now, and TJ’s first announcement is that they’re bringing in 9 Rookies. I’ve never seen a Rookie get this grand of an entrance in my life! They must be a very big deal! And they are! There’s one Rookie from Real World: Portland, four Rookies from Real World: Ex-Plosion, and four Rookies from MTV’s Are You The One? coming into the Dome. Johnny Bananas calls them the Scooby-Doo gang. Well, I did manage to spot Shaggy out of that crowd.
ZOINKS!
Now, why are these Are You The One? cast members on this show? I have no idea! Are You The One? has much to do with The Challenge as Battle of the Seasons 2012 has to do with Battle of the Seasons 2002! But TJ explains that what they do have in common with the Veterans is that they have a lot of heart, and that heart can be led astray by love. They may have had a fling, a hookup, a former showmance, or a long, historical romance in the past. Whatever the case may be, they suck at relationships. So this season, they are going to be paired with their ex-lover. Thus, Battle of the Exes 2 kicks off.
The first pair is Jonna and Zack, who had a showmance on Battle of the Seasons 2012. Thanks for reminding me again, MTV. After that season, Jonna and Zack moved in together in Los Angeles, but then one morning, Zack woke up and told her that it was over. To see my least favorite showmance from my least favorite Challenge as a pair on here, I was not looking forward to that at all. Then again, Zack was pretty okay on Free Agents, so maybe it will work out.
Maybe.
Next pair is Sarah and Jordan. Sarah is attracted to Jordan’s physique, but turned off by his cocky mouth. She thinks if he allows her to run things, they’ll do fine. Sarah, you never run things. You just ride coattails.
Nany is called up next, who had a share of exes here and there. So TJ pairs her up with Johnny Bananas. Cue the chorus of Mel Brooks extras!
Next pair is Wes and Theresa, who had a fling on Fresh Meat II, which (again) I didn’t watch.
Next pair is Rookie Averey and Free Agents runner-up Johnny Reilly, her former showmance from Real World: Portland.
Next pair is Nia and Leroy, who had a “secret” fling on Free Agents.
Next pair is our first Are You The One? pair: Brittany and Adam.
Next pair is Dustin and Jessica, who also had a fling on Free Agents.
Next pair is Jay and Jenna, who had been in a long-term relationship, but Jay was cheating on her since the beginning. Jay’s unfaithful history was exposed after Jenna moved into the house with the exes on Real World: Ex-Plosion.
For the next pair, TJ reunites Jemmye with her cheating ex-boyfriend from Real World: New Orleans (2010), Knight.
Elephant, I told you to stay out the room!
Next pair is Thomas and Hailey, the former high school sweethearts that were reunited in Real World: Ex-Plosion.
Next pair is also from Are You The One?: John “JJ” Jacobs and Simone. JJ says he’s a stand-up comedian. Ah, yes. I can recall one of your one-liners in a New York minute.
“I’ll send a dick pic to a girl, but only if she doesn’t want it”
Last but not least, there’s CT and Diem.
After explaining the rules, TJ tells them that the pair that comes in first in the finale splits a cash prize of $250,000, and the Challengers waste no time talking about what they want to do with that money.
I want to open my own hair extension line!
I want to open my own Crossfit gym!
I want to open my own bar!
I want to pay off my student loans!
I want to take my dog on a vacation!
I plan to blow the money on steroids, so I can come back next year and do it all over again!
So the Challengers arrive at the house and start to settle in. AYTO‘s Simone and Brittany find a bedroom and chant “Rookies takin’ over”, before they get shoved out the bedroom by Johnny Bananas and his Real World Veterans.
Yeah, I have no joke for that. I just needed to make clear that I can’t stand Johnny Bananas.
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