The Worst Reality Show Of All-Time!

In order to understand the terrors you’re about to be subjected to in this recap, let’s go through a little background, and I do mean little. Pretty Wild is a show that followed the lives of Andrea Arlington and her daughters. Andrea got her claim to fame as a former 1980s lingerie model. That’s pretty much all she’s famous for. It doesn’t even specify what else she’s done or exactly what she posed for in the first place. She’s only a former 1980s lingerie model. Here, she’s a stay-at-home mom who manages her daughters’ modeling careers. Her daughers, from oldest to youngest, are Tess Taylor, Alexis Neiers and Gabby Neiers. Name one other show with a similar premise like this. Yeah, there are multiple answers, but this family comes out of the blue to us. At least the Kardashians originally had a patriarch famous for being in the OJ Simpson trial and a step-patriarch that won an Olympic medal. This family doesn’t even have that, and someone’s supposed to make us believe that these people are a Hollywood family. Yeah, like we’re going to easily buy into that. In 2010, some fuckstick at E! thought that this family had what it took to launch the next hit reality show, and thus Pretty Wild was born.

Unan1mous Recap

In 2006, The Fox Broadcasting Company,

known for 6 hit reality programs…

and 30+ televised Chapter 11 cases,

gave the green light to a new show called Unan1mous. Yes, that’s a 1 in the place of the “i”. This network is too edgy for the letter “i”. For the premise, nine strangers are locked in a bunker, and they take part in a game where one person will end up winning a million dollars. What is the game, exactly? They have to come to an unanimous vote on who gets the money, and they can’t leave until they do so.

How bad is the show? On IMDb, it has an average user rating of 2.8 out of 10, and the reviews are pretty scathing.

This is Unan1mous. Assume FOX network viewing positions!

The Assistant Recap

In 2004, Reality TV loved to rip itself off. No other network did that more than MTV, which is known for being two things. 1) For achieving success on the airwaves in 1981 by airing music videos 24/7, and 2) for surviving on the airwaves in 2015 by not airing a single one. This is the case of today’s victim, Andy Dick.

Andy broke into showbiz in the 90’s as a comedic actor. He’s had funny characters in sitcoms like NewsRadio and Less Than Perfect, as well as movies like Road Trip and Old School. However, his mental health was never prepared for the difficulty of finding his own vehicle to drive. As his projects began to fail, he decided it would be a good idea to experiment in a genre that he really wanted to do: Reality TV. So MTV gave him what he wanted: a psychological attack that forever destroyed his life, all thanks to this piece of shit on a fucking stick.

And now, let’s see how this joke died before it was even born. This is The Assistant.

The Glass House Recap

No matter how hard you try to laugh it off, it’s extremely impossible. Let’s face it. The Glass House is a watered-down version of Big Brother. Okay, Big Brother is a watered-down version of Big Brother.

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic Recap

Britney Spears is a very interesting pop star to say the least. she was dressed in skimpy outfits, but they were still safe for television. She wasn’t the best singer, but there was enough talent for her to put to good use.

The method hasn’t always worked. By 2004, her actual life was getting out of hand and unraveling in the public eye. As a result she wasn’t scoring any hits, she wasn’t selling any albums, her tours were getting canceled, and all her endorsements were getting terminated. But, was she still in love with the guys that made PopoZão? Then, she truly has nothing.

It’s an unpleasant mindfuck trip that I’m sure you want to see me go on. Bad news, everyone. You’re all joining me. That’s right! Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night! Episode one of Chaotic, now!

Megan Wants A Millionaire Recap

 

Yes, Virginia. Turns out, there indeed was a VH1 dating show spinoff featuring Rock of Love 2/I Love Money 1/Rock of Love Charm School veteran Megan Hauserman.

This time, she had an accomplice. Ryan Jenkins, one of the contestants, was charged with the death of his wife/model, Jasmine Fiore, as the show was airing. She was found dead on August 15, 2009. 8 days later, Ryan Jenkins was found dead himself after committing suicide. As soon as the news broke, VH1 pulled the show after airing only 3 episodes, and to this day, they have gone out of their way to ensure that the remaining episodes are never viewed by anyone else. So VH1 is telling us that this person’s good, this person’s good, and this person’s good, while Ryan Jenkins is who they consider a threat to society. I’m going to repeat that one more time.

This person’s good

This person’s good

This person’s good

THREAT TO SOCIETY

I can only go through so many pairs of underwear in order to contain the shits I’ve been taking in fear of this recap.

Ton of Cash Recap

My name is Turk182 and this is Reality TV Guide, where we came to make everyone feel better about themselves. And I definitely need to feel better right now, because it’s only day 12 of VH1 Month, and I’m burned out on dating shows. Every dating show I’ve recapped this month was worse than the last one. If I do another one today, I might explode. What other shows has 51 Minds put out for VH1?

(Turk182 goes through names out of a suggestion box)

Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It… PASS!

Real and Chance: The Legend Hunters… PASS!

Brandy & Ray J: A Family Business… NO!

New York Goes to Hollywood and New York Goes to Work… I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT NEW YORK!

Ton of Cash?

Yes, in 2011, 51 Minds put out a show called Ton of Cash. It was not their usual dating show, but it had the 51 Minds signature all over it. On Ton of Cash, 14 young, broke Americans try to work together to transport $1,000,000 in cash from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. And in the end, only one person is going to get that money.

So, let’s take a look at why money is the root of this pathetic dud. This is Ton of Cash.

I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap

Prince William was, at one point, the most eligible bachelor of all-time. For the women that sought after him, it was a big deal, because they could potentially become a princess. So when Kate Middleton nabbed Prince William in 2011, they were all devastated. But, hey, he’s got a brother!

That don’t impress you? How about we get another person to show you?